Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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