I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
