You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
