just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
