3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
