I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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