There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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