I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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