She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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