Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
