I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
