I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
