Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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