Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Terrible idea I love it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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