remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize