i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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