I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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