I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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