im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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