Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
