The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
