my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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