hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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