grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
