but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
