is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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