I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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