so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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