i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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