I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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