she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
