The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
