I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
