he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
