TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
