tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
