i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
