How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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