Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
