I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
