It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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