Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
