Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
