Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
