Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Itβs a good thing Iβm the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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