hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
