The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
