god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
