so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm at about main and main street
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
