his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
