So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
