I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My cat gives me a boner
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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