now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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