My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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