just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
