did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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