I wish my penis had an off switch
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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