I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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