I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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