she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
