my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
