The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize