you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
