im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
