just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
